Garden Like You Give A Fuck.

Force That Shit!


Its (still) fucking cold out!

Ok so I wanted to start this shit in January  (New Year’s –resolution-and-all-that-bullshit), but really who gives a goddamned rat’s ass, since the ground is still fucking frozen?“So…”you ask, “what did we miss?” Ordering a motherfucking truckload of seeds that we will probably never plant. That’s what happens in January. So look at it this way bitches, I just saved your ass’ a bunch of $$$$ and heartbreak. Consider yourself spared from the grief and humiliation of waking up one morning to find your seedlings and all that other fucking expensive growing paraphernalia shit…

Police Pic

… sitting on the windowsill, all scratched up with a giant cat turd buried in the middle of them. Just a suggestion: perhaps you should give up your lofty “Joe the fucking homegrown farmer” ambitions until you finally upgrade out of that shitty basement apartment of yours.  Better off buying those plant starts at the store like everyone else.

Now, if you have any kind of green thumb you are so over this fucking wintry fucking wonderland and are just itching to “get the fuck out and garden”, well just forget about it bitch – you’ve got a long, fucking-cold way to go. That little groundhog motherfucker says your ass is going to be freezing for another 6 goddamn weeks!

So… if you can’t go out and do some gardening shit,  then bring it on in, bitch! Forcing branches is both one of the cheapest and most idiot-proof ways of getting some springtime in your fucking life, and February is the absolute fucking perfect time to do it. That said, if you are sitting here saying to yourself, “Force them to do what….?” – bitch, its time for you to chop off that not-so-green thumb of yours and take up knitting or some shit like that.

As for the rest of you…

What you will fucking need:

  •  Clippers or heavy-duty scissors (a big fucking steak knife will do it, too)


  • A nice vase. If you’re saying “<-this bitch right here don’t have no fancy vases”  then get a fucking jar and wrap it in tinfoil, put a goddamn ribbon around it and shut the fuck up.
  •  Hammer (or a fucking brick, rock or the heel of your size 12 tranny shoe)

tranny heels

  •  Water (yes like out of the tap)
  •  Branches. This is where it starts to get fucking tricky so pay attention, bitches: not every fucking branch is going to come to life when you bring it into your crib. For starters you should realize that it’s you + a fucking jar of water – not some Dr fucking Frankenstein set up. So start off with the easy ones before you run off and start doing some crazy ass garden magazine-type-shit: Forsythia, Pussy Willow, Quince yeah like the fruit), Witch Hazel, Magnolia, and Cherry and Crab apple (once the buds start to swell a little on these).

magnolia buds

  • Cut the branches anywhere from 6 inches to 6 feet. One more thing bitches:  Don’t get fucking greedy and clear-cut the entire bush or you won’t have shit to look at when spring finally decides to fucking start.

Where to get the branches, you ask? This is where you can get as fucking creative as you want. Best option: the closer the better, you don’t want to be hauling that shit all over town (you also don’t want to let the fucking cut ends of the branches dry out). No branches around your crib? Dig out those bad-ass running shoes (and coordinating ski-mask), grab a flashlight and hit that pavement. You never liked those assholes down the street anyway, right? Now’s your chance to shine, bitch.


 How to fucking do it:

Once you have your fucking stash of branches, bring them right home, give them a fresh cut and mash the ends of the branches a little (not like a fucking potato but just so they crack a little)  and stick them in your vase or kindergarten-craft-project-jar. Add some water almost to the top, wait a couple of days and before you fucking know it, it will look like motherfucking spring hurled all over your living room!  If you’ve been too fucking greedy and your vase /kindergarten-craft-project-jar is falling over because it’s top-heavy, just add some pebbles or marbles or gold teeth or something to weigh it the fuck down.   Don’t forget to check the water level every day bitches, and swap out that old, nasty-ass water for some fresh shit. I don’t want to hear about how you fucked up this simple (I mean, 101-easy-as-shit) gardening project.



Happy motherfucking spring!


  1. Nice delivery. Let’s see what this bitch has to say come Springtime! Bring it! 🙂

  2. GardenBitch

    March 27, 2014 at 3:17 pm

    Girl, please – you best know we’re gonna work that shit out!

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