Well you don’t have to be no Lorena Bobbitt  to be cutting off some wood…

Hot Dog

…winter is a fucking fabulous time to do some pruning,  so get that fat ass off the couch and get chopping, bitches! Don’t be hacking away at the garden like some kind of sorry-ass-pumped-up Conan the Barbarian, though:

giphy

it’s a time to be looking and snipping. And when I say looking I mean “I-spy-with-my-little-eye”, seeing-shit. What to look for: Damaged wood. Now, I’m sure all you bitches have seen plenty of this shit in your day but what I’m talking about are cracked and broken branches. Nasty ass.

brokenbranch

Cut those motherfuckers off just a little bit from the trunk of the tree. Be sure to make a small cut on the bottom of the branch first so when you cut the whole motherfucker off you don’t be peeling down the bark like some kind of banana.  In large, I’m talking big ass motherfucking trees and bushes: look for bad crosses…

crossing

(and I don’t mean no bad religious bullshit). Look for where a couple of branches are crossed up and rub against each other (not going anywhere with that one bitches). The rubbing can kind of sand off the bark of the tree and make it just ready to catch some disease. It also makes the branch weaker so it can break off and make your tree look butt-ass ugly. So, what to do? It’s “Sophie’s Choice” bitches…. pick one .

i-can-t-choose-sophie-s-choice-9-10-movie-clip-1982-hd-resize-914-516-LWIManVxHq

Pick the bigger, healthier one that’s growing the right way (Meryl did it, so can you), and cut that little fucker off  like a sloppy drunk banging on your door at 4 AM.

Suckers (not going there with this one either bitches) and water sprouts should get cut off too:

L_IMG_figure1

They are the little new growth looking shoots growing from the bottom of the tree. Cut those little nasties as close to where they are sprouting from as possible or those little fuckers will be back in no time. Another thing to look for in big trees and bushes is bad crotches, yes bitches you don’t have to be a crusty-ass ho to have a bad crotch. V crotches will fuck up your tree while U crotches are the good ones. Don’t know what a V crotch looks like? Look down, bitch.

Crotch

V crotches break easily and will totally fuck up your tree. Take them fuckers off as quick as your panties on a hot date.

What you will fucking need: A steak knife or scissors won’t do it this time, bitch. May have worked for Lorena but we got some big wood to be cutting. Pick up some clippers, loppers, tree saw, or pole saw (or for your enterprising bitch, a chain saw). Be sure you got your gloves, goggles and all that other bullshit cause once you get started bitch it’s an all-out motherfucking chop fest.

GB Collage

 

How to fucking do it: Look at the fucking pictures bitch, and go figure it out.

Proper Pruning Techniques:

pruning techs

 

Now Clean That Shit Up:

Fargo gif