Garden Like You Give A Fuck.

Month: March 2014

Winter Pruning

Well you don’t have to be no Lorena Bobbitt  to be cutting off some wood…

Hot Dog

…winter is a fucking fabulous time to do some pruning,  so get that fat ass off the couch and get chopping, bitches! Don’t be hacking away at the garden like some kind of sorry-ass-pumped-up Conan the Barbarian, though:


it’s a time to be looking and snipping. And when I say looking I mean “I-spy-with-my-little-eye”, seeing-shit. What to look for: Damaged wood. Now, I’m sure all you bitches have seen plenty of this shit in your day but what I’m talking about are cracked and broken branches. Nasty ass.


Cut those motherfuckers off just a little bit from the trunk of the tree. Be sure to make a small cut on the bottom of the branch first so when you cut the whole motherfucker off you don’t be peeling down the bark like some kind of banana.  In large, I’m talking big ass motherfucking trees and bushes: look for bad crosses…


(and I don’t mean no bad religious bullshit). Look for where a couple of branches are crossed up and rub against each other (not going anywhere with that one bitches). The rubbing can kind of sand off the bark of the tree and make it just ready to catch some disease. It also makes the branch weaker so it can break off and make your tree look butt-ass ugly. So, what to do? It’s “Sophie’s Choice” bitches…. pick one .


Pick the bigger, healthier one that’s growing the right way (Meryl did it, so can you), and cut that little fucker off  like a sloppy drunk banging on your door at 4 AM.

Suckers (not going there with this one either bitches) and water sprouts should get cut off too:


They are the little new growth looking shoots growing from the bottom of the tree. Cut those little nasties as close to where they are sprouting from as possible or those little fuckers will be back in no time. Another thing to look for in big trees and bushes is bad crotches, yes bitches you don’t have to be a crusty-ass ho to have a bad crotch. V crotches will fuck up your tree while U crotches are the good ones. Don’t know what a V crotch looks like? Look down, bitch.


V crotches break easily and will totally fuck up your tree. Take them fuckers off as quick as your panties on a hot date.

What you will fucking need: A steak knife or scissors won’t do it this time, bitch. May have worked for Lorena but we got some big wood to be cutting. Pick up some clippers, loppers, tree saw, or pole saw (or for your enterprising bitch, a chain saw). Be sure you got your gloves, goggles and all that other bullshit cause once you get started bitch it’s an all-out motherfucking chop fest.

GB Collage


How to fucking do it: Look at the fucking pictures bitch, and go figure it out.

Proper Pruning Techniques:

pruning techs


Now Clean That Shit Up:

Fargo gif

Force That Shit!


Its (still) fucking cold out!

Ok so I wanted to start this shit in January  (New Year’s –resolution-and-all-that-bullshit), but really who gives a goddamned rat’s ass, since the ground is still fucking frozen?“So…”you ask, “what did we miss?” Ordering a motherfucking truckload of seeds that we will probably never plant. That’s what happens in January. So look at it this way bitches, I just saved your ass’ a bunch of $$$$ and heartbreak. Consider yourself spared from the grief and humiliation of waking up one morning to find your seedlings and all that other fucking expensive growing paraphernalia shit…

Police Pic

… sitting on the windowsill, all scratched up with a giant cat turd buried in the middle of them. Just a suggestion: perhaps you should give up your lofty “Joe the fucking homegrown farmer” ambitions until you finally upgrade out of that shitty basement apartment of yours.  Better off buying those plant starts at the store like everyone else.

Now, if you have any kind of green thumb you are so over this fucking wintry fucking wonderland and are just itching to “get the fuck out and garden”, well just forget about it bitch – you’ve got a long, fucking-cold way to go. That little groundhog motherfucker says your ass is going to be freezing for another 6 goddamn weeks!

So… if you can’t go out and do some gardening shit,  then bring it on in, bitch! Forcing branches is both one of the cheapest and most idiot-proof ways of getting some springtime in your fucking life, and February is the absolute fucking perfect time to do it. That said, if you are sitting here saying to yourself, “Force them to do what….?” – bitch, its time for you to chop off that not-so-green thumb of yours and take up knitting or some shit like that.

As for the rest of you…

What you will fucking need:

  •  Clippers or heavy-duty scissors (a big fucking steak knife will do it, too)


  • A nice vase. If you’re saying “<-this bitch right here don’t have no fancy vases”  then get a fucking jar and wrap it in tinfoil, put a goddamn ribbon around it and shut the fuck up.
  •  Hammer (or a fucking brick, rock or the heel of your size 12 tranny shoe)

tranny heels

  •  Water (yes like out of the tap)
  •  Branches. This is where it starts to get fucking tricky so pay attention, bitches: not every fucking branch is going to come to life when you bring it into your crib. For starters you should realize that it’s you + a fucking jar of water – not some Dr fucking Frankenstein set up. So start off with the easy ones before you run off and start doing some crazy ass garden magazine-type-shit: Forsythia, Pussy Willow, Quince yeah like the fruit), Witch Hazel, Magnolia, and Cherry and Crab apple (once the buds start to swell a little on these).

magnolia buds

  • Cut the branches anywhere from 6 inches to 6 feet. One more thing bitches:  Don’t get fucking greedy and clear-cut the entire bush or you won’t have shit to look at when spring finally decides to fucking start.

Where to get the branches, you ask? This is where you can get as fucking creative as you want. Best option: the closer the better, you don’t want to be hauling that shit all over town (you also don’t want to let the fucking cut ends of the branches dry out). No branches around your crib? Dig out those bad-ass running shoes (and coordinating ski-mask), grab a flashlight and hit that pavement. You never liked those assholes down the street anyway, right? Now’s your chance to shine, bitch.


 How to fucking do it:

Once you have your fucking stash of branches, bring them right home, give them a fresh cut and mash the ends of the branches a little (not like a fucking potato but just so they crack a little)  and stick them in your vase or kindergarten-craft-project-jar. Add some water almost to the top, wait a couple of days and before you fucking know it, it will look like motherfucking spring hurled all over your living room!  If you’ve been too fucking greedy and your vase /kindergarten-craft-project-jar is falling over because it’s top-heavy, just add some pebbles or marbles or gold teeth or something to weigh it the fuck down.   Don’t forget to check the water level every day bitches, and swap out that old, nasty-ass water for some fresh shit. I don’t want to hear about how you fucked up this simple (I mean, 101-easy-as-shit) gardening project.



Happy motherfucking spring!


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